


shake hands with the devil

by Someonewhosfunny



Series: a man so unafraid of death [2]
Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drug Use, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Season/Series 05, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-18 04:16:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20632940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Someonewhosfunny/pseuds/Someonewhosfunny
Summary: Ada is sick of doing Tommy's bidding. But in the end, she's never been more relieved to stumble into Arrow House in the middle of the night.S5 cannon divergence after E3 before E4.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A sequel to "almost wishing to die" but you don't need to necessarily read that to understand this (although it helps!!).

Ada turned the key in the door, huffing loudly as she thrust the heavy door open with her shoulder. She was in no mood to be doing Tommy’s fucking bidding in the middle of the fucking night. She’d come down from London yesterday evening at Tommy’s instance to keep an eye on Lizzie and Linda. Tommy had grumbled something about a solicitor and how when you marry a Shelby, you stay married. Ada knew better than to question much when it came to her stubborn older brother. However, trekking to Arrow House right before the sun was rising was not part of that deal. Ada had been coerced into making the journey when Charlie had woken up insisting for one of his toy horses. Not trusting Lizzie or Linda to run the errand without drama, Ada found herself in her current predicament.

The house was freezing as she walked through the foyer. Her heels clicked sharply against the marble floor and echoed through the empty corridors. On her way to the grand staircase, she heard Tommy’s muffled voice rising in agitation. Ada rolled her eyes. She hadn’t expected her brother to be sleeping, of course, but she couldn’t imagine who the hell he could be rowing with at this bloody hour?

She redirected her trajectory to Tommy’s study. As she neared, she could hear a strangled quality to his voice. Ada couldn’t place the last time Tommy’s voice had been colored with emotion so clearly. It felt like she’d been listening to his stiff and calculating inflection since the end of the bloody war. She pressed her ear against the thick wooden door.

“Better an orphan than this, Grace. Better than being scared of his own dad.”

Ada blinked in surprise at Grace’s name. She’d heard rumors from Pol that Tommy spoke to her sometimes, but she’d written it off as Pol and Tommy’s gypsy nonsense. She didn’t ever consider that he spoke with his dead wife - that he argued with her. Even if it was about Charlie.

“I’m sorry.” 

That was all Ada needed to decide enough was enough. With a bit of struggling, she threw open the door, a question about what the hell was going on poised on her lips. However, when her eyes focused on the scene in front of her, she was stopped dead in her tracks, words dying in her mouth. Tommy was on his knees, with his back to the door and a gun to his head. He hadn’t seemed to hear her storm in, though she’d been plenty loud. She seemed to lose the ability to open her mouth, but when she heard her brother’s gravelly voice reciting the line of that bloody song, she’d let out a horrified scream.

The sound of the shot set off an explosion of events in the room. Ada watch Tommy hit the floor and crossed the room without a coherent thought in her brain. She reached for her brother’s head on instinct and her gloves soaked red as she touched him.

The red puddle accumulating on the floor diluted into pink and Ada realized belatedly that she was sobbing. She couldn’t bloody hear anything with the ringing in her ears but she felt her shoulders shaking uncontrollably. Ada rocked back and forth slowly, unable to move her body into doing anything else.

“Mrs. Thorne… Mrs. Thorne!”

A panicked voice slowly broke through the fog in her head. She lifted her eyes and saw Frances in the doorway.

“Call an ambulance,” she choked. 

Frances nodded at her, but lingered by the door.

“Did you hear what I fucking said?” Ada snapped. “Call the bloody ambulance.”

“But Mr. Shelby…” Frances glanced down at the body in her lap.

Ada look down to the limp form in her lap. She’d not noticed before, but Tommy was moaning softly, eyes pointed up at the ceiling but unfocused.

“No… fucking… hospital… Ada,” he wheezed.” No… hospitals.”

“Are you mad?” she asked in disbelief.

“No… ‘m an MP. No… no hospitals.”

Ada let out a manic laugh. Leave it to Tommy fucking Shelby.

“Call Polly,” she decided against her better judgement. “And get me a towel to stop all this bleeding."

Frances ran off and Ada studied Tommy’s condition for the first time. She was expecting to see Tommy’s brain spewed all over the nice floor, but saw only bright red blood. No signs of brain on his skull either. She’d thought that for sure he’d blown himself to death, but it seemed that the bullet just grazed the side of his head. Knowing the bastard, he’d probably live, even without a proper doctor. Ada grabbed his hand, squeezing tightly.

“Pol’s coming, Tommy. It’ll be alright. We’ll sort this out. You’ll be alright.”

Ada wasn’t sure if she was even speaking to Tommy at this point. She didn’t think these were the words he wanted to hear right now, but they were the only ones she could tell herself without losing her grip.


	2. Chapter 2

With Polly around, everything went more smoothly. She and Ada had managed to get the bleeding to slow. They left Tommy on the floor for now, unable to move him for fear of more blood loss. Ada sent Frances to fetch Johnny Dogs from down the river and Polly went in search of a bottle of whiskey. She was still gone when Frances showed up with Johnny. 

After a full minute of profanities, both English and Romany, a plan was sorted. Johnny cleaned and dressed the wound after dousing it in copious amounts of brown liquor. Tommy had flinched and whined through it, but didn’t seem lucid anymore. It was a shallow wound, Johnny had promised. It would heal up just fine.

Once the four of them had carried an unconscious Tommy up to one of the bedrooms, the small group dispersed. Johnny set off to his camp, swearing not to speak to a soul – dead or living – about the events in the house. Frances put on the kettle while Ada and Polly sat in the drawing room. Ada’s eyes lingered on Polly as she stood in front of the window, gazing silently at the large field in the back of the estate.

“I didn’t know it was that bad,” she confessed after some time. “I knew he was… struggling. But I didn’t know it was this bad.”

“None of us did, Pol. And how could we? He never lets anybody fucking in.”

“That head of his is like a damn vault,” Polly trailed off. “But I should’ve seen it in him. I’ve always been better at reading him than the others. Should’ve seen something.”

“You’ve a lot on,” Ada insisted. “The New York fucking stock exchange just collapsed. These haven’t been easy days for Shelby Company Limited. Especially not for you and Tommy. Maybe that’s the only sign that matters.”

“No,” Polly decided, turning to look at Ada for the first time. “Tommy is a smart man, a gambling man. He doesn’t give a shit about the fucking stocks. Tommy’d find a way to make a shilling out of a lame horse. He had a plan. This is personal. He’s let his devils catch him this time.”

Ada sighed.

“So what do you suggest we do now? Call a family meeting?”

Polly clicked her tongue.

“No, this stays between us. For now. Until we know that the situation is. Tommy has been paranoid, but he’s not stupid. Someone’s after us. After him. You know what he’d say. Your enemies strike when you’re weak. So we don’t make him weak.”

“What about Lizzie? And Arthur? Don’t they deserve to know?”

“Arthur and Lizzie, eh? Might as well go right up to Linda to deliver the good news yourself. No, not until we talk to Tommy.”

“She’s his bloody wife, Pol. She’s going to notice the bullet hole in the side of his head at some point. Probably sooner rather than later if she comes round to the house. Those two have been rowing and making up almost daily. Wouldn’t be surprised if she came down looking to smooth things over."

“So call Lizzie then. I’ll be sure to tell Tommy who to complain to when the time comes. But you don’t tell her anything until she’s under this roof and I’ll pick her up from Linda’s myself. Lest that bloody woman go digging for information.”

Polly grabbed her things from the table and turned to leave, muttering under her breath.

“Get ready for the bloody circus.”

~ 

“That fucking bastard,” Lizzie cried. “Bloody selfish prick, he is. Fucking Tommy.”

“Mind how you speak,” Polly said dryly, gazing at Ada knowingly.

“Oh fuck off,” Lizzie hissed. “I told him what would happen if he bloody did this.” 

“So you knew then?” 

Polly dragged her calculating eyes over Lizzie sharply. 

“‘Course I didn’t know. Not for sure. You know how Tommy is. It’d probably kill him to express an authentic emotion.” 

“But you suspected.” 

“You know how he is, Pol. Never sleeps, never eats. Last week he was going on about fucking France again. He’s a lot on these days. Same as always, really.”

“Hm,” Polly mused. “And a wife calling up solicitors. I’d say he’s got a lot on.”

“Are you fucking turning this on me?” Lizzie asked in disbelief. “Everything I do for him and you’re blaming me.”

“Enough,” Ada shouted, hands in the air in exasperation. “Bloody enough, Jesus. If you two are quite finished, could we please start making a bloody plan? Tommy’s upstairs in bed with a bullet wound in his head. With the new lot of business ventures, the relocation in the children’s home, and Tommy’s fucking duties as an MP, someone is going to notice that he’s not around. And he’s got an engagement with Oswald Mosely, the bloody devil incarnate. Now, my brother is paranoid, but he’s not stupid,” Ada said, repeating Polly’s words back to her. “People are circling and we’re going to be in hell fast if we let Mosely get a word of this. So... what do you both suggest we fucking do, eh?”

“Same thing we did with France,” Polly reminds. “Run this company. It’s all women’s business now.” 

Lizzie looked round the room and huffed impatiently. 

“I’m not here to talk about fucking Shelby Company Limited.”

With that, Lizzie pushed past Ada and went straight for the stairs. Ada and Polly watched her ascending with matching dread, but Polly didn’t move to follow. Rolling her eyes, Ada trailed along after Lizzie, knowing Polly wasn’t going to clean up this mess. 

When Ada pushed into the room, Tommy was bleary eyed, but awake. Lizzie was sat next to him on the bed, smacking him repeated on the chest. 

“What were you thinking?” she grit out. “Leaving me with everything...” 

Before Ada could properly intervene, Tommy grabbed Lizzie’s wrists weakly, pulling them down to her side. 

“It’s alright, Lizzie. I’m fine.”

“Alright?” she repeated. “Fucking alright?” 

Ada walked further into the bedroom, lingering at Lizzie’s shoulder. 

“Maybe we should let Tommy rest, eh?”

Lizzie threw Ada a look over her shoulder, but Tommy was speaking before she could reply. 

“S’alright, Ada,” Tommy murmured. “We’re just having a chat, eh, Lizzie? It’s fine.” 

“There’s that bloody word again,” Lizzie muttered, anger spent. 

When Ada was confident that Lizzie wouldn’t murder her brother then and there, she backed out of the room and headed for the stairs. From the top, she could see Polly speaking in clipped tones with Frances.

“Mrs. Grey. I’ve had the cleaners in to straighten up the office. We’ve done what we can, but we’ll not be able to salvage the carpet. It’ll have to be replaced.”

“As the treasurer of Shelby Company Limited, I’m denying that request. We’re in the middle of a financial crisis. Tommy can go without a bloody carpet in his study. It’ll do him good to live like the rest of us for a change.” 

When Frances began apologizing, Ada made her presence known with a few loud footsteps. Both women looked up when they heard her on the stairs and Frances left the room abruptly. Once back on the ground, Ada waited for an explanation with her hands on her hips. 

“Well?” 

“They’ve found the bullet,” Polly supplied, holding out her hand. “Lodged in the bloody bookcase.” 

Ada picked up the small piece of metal and examined it closely. It’d been washed, blessedly, but remained dull from use. Ada had to turn it around in her hand a few times to see the name on the side. 

“Oh, Tommy.” 

“So this wasn’t a spur of the moment thing then. He planned this, Ada. Probably picked the fight with Lizzie just to get her out the fucking house. Christ. It’s worse than I thought.” 

“You have to talk to him, Pol. He’ll listen to you.” 

“That man won’t listen to anyone now. You know that. It’ll be like this never bloody happened and we’ll all be expected to keep our mouths shut. Living in Tommy’s fucking fantasy world.” 

Ada frowned at her. 

“You won’t even try?”

“We’re not to do anything now, Ada. Just damage control. I’ll keep this,” she said, plucking the bullet out of Ada’s grasp, “lest someone else stumble across this unsavory bit of evidence. You call Arthur and Finn. Delegate what you can. Say Tommy’s gone out of town with Johnny. That will buy us a few days of peace to figure out the rest.” 

Ada nodded, unsatisfied, but did as she was told. As she set off towards the phone, she could hear Pol calling for Frances once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may be more of this series to come as my mind keeps going !!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the recent events, Tommy spends some quality time with Charlie and Ada demands answers.

The house was quiet. Lizzie had taken Ruby to Wales with Johnny Dogs yesterday and Tommy hadn’t had any visitors since the incident had occurred. He didn’t know if Polly or Ada had told the rest of the family, but either way, they’d gifted him some alone time. Or relative alone time. Charlie had crept into his room this morning, looking uncertain as he stood by the foot of the bed waiting for Tommy to put down his paper. 

“Want to sit?” he asked, patting the bed next to him. 

His son nodded eagerly and scrambled onto the bed quickly at the invitation, all hesitation gone from him face. Charlie snuggled up against Tommy and began chatting about his dream last night. Tommy ran his fingers through his boy’s hair, trying not to think about how he’d almost lost the chance to do this, just sit in bed with his son. 

“Dad, do the horses get lonely being in the stables all night by themselves?” Charlie asked in concern. 

Tommy considered his answer. 

“No,” he said finally. “They’re not lonely. They’ve got each other, eh? They like it in the stables.”

“What if I slept with them in the stables? Just one night. To make sure they’re okay.”

Tommy smiled faintly at his son’s suggestion, remembering all the nights he’d spent at Charlie’s age sleeping on the hay. 

“Who will sleep in your bed then?” Tommy mused. 

“Cyril!” Charlie cried happily. “He always tries to sneak into it while I’m asleep anyway.” 

At his name, their lumbering dog trotted down the hall, giving himself away with the distinct click of nails on the floor. Cyril’s tail was wagging rapidly when he bounded into the room. He came to a stop on the side of the bed, eyes looking up at Tommy questioningly. A small whine escaped his throat, and Charlie looked at him expectantly as well. 

“Alright,” Tommy sighed, rolling his eyes. “Up you come, boy.” 

Tommy patted the side of the bed once, and Cyril wasted no time jumping up onto the bed. Cyril navigated the lumpy surfaces clumsily and plopped down on the foot of the bed, looking quite pleased with himself. Charlie buried his small hands into Cyril’s thick fur affectionately and began speaking to the dog animatedly. Tommy let himself close his eyes, content to listen to the sound of his son’s voice and Cyril’s wet breathing. 

“Dad?” Charlie asked, prompting Tommy to open his eyes. Charlie was staring at him with confusion across his face. “Is your head alright? Frances says you got hurt, and you need to rest.”

“Yes, ‘m fine, Charlie. Doesn’t hurt at all. See?” Tommy asks moving a bit closer and tilting his head. “It’s only little, eh?” 

Charlie didn’t look convinced. 

“Did someone try to hurt you?”

Tommy pulled Charlie against him tightly, burying his face in his soft hair and closing his eyes to keep the tears out of them. 

“It was an accident, Charlie. It won’t happen again, I promise.” 

Behind closed eyes, he saw Grace. He could tell that she had forgiven him for everything he’d done by her gentle smile. His chest physically ached, knowing that she’d never been there with them in these moments, but he felt peace knowing that Charlie had him at least. He was trying to be okay with that. 

After a few hours of cuddling and listening to Charlie talk his ear off about every single one of his toy horse he owned, a knock sounded at the door. Tommy huffed a quick affirmative, and the heavy door swung open. Frances stepped into the room. 

“Mr. Shelby, I have Mrs. Throne here to see you.”

“Thank you, Frances. Send her in,” Tommy instructed, suddenly feeling too tired for the conversation. 

Cyril’s head perked up at the sound of a new visitor. When Ada walked through the door, Tommy realized how extremely under dressed he must look. He was still under the covers, and wore only a thin undershirt and pants. Across the room, Ada was completely done up, with her hair in curls and red lipstick painted on neatly. She slipped out of her expensive fur coat elegantly and placed it on a nearby chair. 

“Hello, Ada,” Tommy greeted, turning his attention to Charlie next to him. “What you say, Charlie, eh? You’re Auntie Ada is here.” 

Charlie looked up from his horses finally and gave Ada a toothy grin. 

“Hi Auntie Ada! We’re spending the day in bed,” he announced proudly, as if Ada couldn’t tell. As if she’d ever seen Tommy in bed before, save a hospital bed.

“I can see that,” Ada replied kindly, looking around the room briefly. “You know, Charlie,” she began, “Karl is downstairs. I’m sure he’d love to go to the stables and see the horses. We’ve not got any in London.”

Tommy caught Charlie’s hopeful eyes and nodded. 

“Off you go then, eh? You can tell Karl all about the horses. You’re the expert ‘round here.” 

“Thanks, Dad!” Charlie jumped off the bed easily, catching the attention of the large dog sat at Tommy’s feet. “Come on, Cyril,” he called behind him. “You can come, too.” 

Cyril followed behind obediently, leaving Tommy with no distractions from Ada. He continued to evade her gaze, pointedly staring out the window at nothing. Eventually, he reached for a pack of cigarettes and lighter on the side table, and Ada sighed loudly. 

“Tommy,” she began. 

Tommy flicked his eyes in her direction, doing all he could to make them empty and detached in the way that he knew she hated. Ada sighed, seeming defeated already. 

“What the fuck were you thinking?”

His sister’s voice was so genuinely sad that he needed to look away. He wasn’t one to break eye contact, but it was preferable to letting her witness the moisture welling inside his eyes. Tommy didn’t cry. Not in front of his family. And, despite everything that happened, he wasn’t ready to start now. 

Ada seemed to give up on getting an answer to that question at the time being because she moved towards the bed, sitting as close to Tommy as she dared. Tommy didn’t look towards the place that the mattress dipped, just kept his attention on lighting up the cigarette between his fingers. Once he’d taken a long drag, he looked at Ada, revealing his tired eyes. 

“What do you want me to say, Ada? That I’m sorry? D’you want me to pay to get the blood out of them pretty shoes for you?” he asked deliberately. 

Despite his words, his tone held no snark, and Ada became worried at the weariness in her brother’s voice. His eyes were circled in bruises, and his skin appeared taut across his face. He was paler than she remembered. 

“I was terrified, Tommy,” she explained. “Watching the gun fire... seeing you fall.” Ada closed her eyes, picturing the scene over again. “I thought I had watched you die.” 

“I am sorry for that, Ada. Really," Tommy said genuinely. "I thought no one was home. I didn’t want… I didn’t want anyone to see.”

“So you wanted Frances to find you then? Ada asked. “All cold in a pool of blood?”

“I wasn’t thinking about that.” Frustration was evident on Tommy’s face. “I wasn’t thinking about anything, Ada. Not anything, except not being here anymore.”  
It was Tommy’s turn to close his eyes, jaw clenching hard as he searched for the words. Ada reached for Tommy’s hand, ignoring the way he instinctively flinched at the touch before squeezing her hand. 

“I just can’t stop thinking about it,” he continued. “There have been… other times. Where I’ve thought about doing it. Held a gun to my head once. Then imagined taking one well timed step into traffic. Right out on a London Street. One step, and that’s it. I’m just gone. No more voices in my head anymore. Just silence, Ada. Peace. No fucking shovels. No mud. No blood. Just nothing.” 

“What voices, Tommy? I heard you talking to Grace before…” she trailed off.. “Does she tell you to hurt yourself?” 

Tommy scoffed, opening his eyes to look at Ada. The wild look in them frightened her. 

“No,” he laughed humorlessly. “She said she’d never forgive me if I did it. For Charlie’s sake. She doesn’t want that for me. For us. But I couldn’t help it, Ada.” Tommy swallowed thickly. 

“Talk to me, Tommy,” Ada begged. “Help me understand.” 

“I’ve been taking ladanum, Ada. And when I take the drugs, I see her. I see Grace. Sometimes we talk. She helps me. Tells me what to fucking do about all this shit.” Tommy waved his hand, signifying the everything he was talking about. “Other times, we don’t talk. I watch her die, and she tells me it’s my fault. John tells me the same thing, too. Occasionally. But mostly…” Tommy swallowed thickly. “Most of the time, the voices in my head are me. Or our dad. Reminding me of everything I’m ruining. All the people I’m fucking over with my… my fucking miscalculations. My risks. All the lives I’m sacrificing for this fucking crown.”

“You’ve a lot on,” Ada repeated hollowly. 

Tommy ignored her, voice becoming more desperate. 

“I pay for success with people’s lives, Ada. And sometimes, I fail. I fail and people get hurt. And no one fucking understands. I feel it, Ada. People circling. Tommy Shelby is a spent force. Spent in the head, they say. Everyone wants to take my bloody crown, but they don’t know the fucking cost, Ada. I’m done. With all this shit. Fucking politics. Business. Everything. I’m fucking done. I just…” 

Tommy looked up at Ada, expression dead but cracking around the edges. 

“It gets to be too much, Ada,” he explained with sudden clarity. “Too much for me. And when it gets too much, all I want is to die.” 

The resolution in Tommy’s eyes was haunting, and Ada’s throat caught on the sob building up from her chest. 

“Don’t say that, Tommy. Please, don’t say that. There are doctors, Tommy. They can help you with this. We’ll find one. In London. We’ll call one up, okay? You don’t need to feel like this, Tommy. You’ve dealt with everything alone, since France. Since Grace. For too long. Ten years too fucking long. You can’t be expected to keep everything wrapped up in that head of yours and stay sane. Anyone would go mad, Tom. We’ll go to the doctors, okay? We’ll get help.” 

Tommy pulled Ada closer, holding her against him as she cried. Ada felt guilt at having Tommy comfort her, but the digging of his fingers into her skin made her believe that some part of him needed this, too. Though he’d never admit it aloud. Maybe never in his head either. 

“We’re going to get through everything together, Tommy,” she continued. “You and me, okay? I want you to talk to me. Because we need you, Tommy. We can’t do this without you. Without you whole.” 

“Alright, Ada,” Tommy placated. “I’ll try, okay? We’ll try, yeah?” 

Ada didn’t pull away, savoring the feel of her brother’s arms around her. Appreciated, not for the first time, Tommy’s presence, his strength. Even when he was breaking apart, he was the strongest of them all. It wasn’t fucking fair, but it’s the way things had always been. Ada drew strength from Tommy and hoped that, in turn, she’d be enough to save him from himself.


End file.
